let me first say, it's not that the bathroom stories are the only ones i find funny, it's just that, well, this is my life. uncut and uncensored. and they are pretty funny...about an hour later after i've cleaned up the mess. :)
colby came in to our bedroom at about 7:00 this morning to finish sleeping, more or less. at 7:15ish i was just about to wake him up to get ready for mother's day out, when i see him sit up really quick and point to his face. i hear allen say,
allen: "oh, babe we've got major snot here."
me: "hold on. i'll get a kleenex."
allen: "oh, he's throwing up!"
so i grab a towel out from under the sink to clean up the mess, or maybe just catch some of it before it gets all over my white bedspread (who's idea was that??) and run into the bedroom. i later realized i had scraped the top of my foot pretty good in the process; it's amazing what you don't feel when you're focused, huh?
i find allen with his hands cupped under colby's mouth, catching last nights spaghettio's and french fries (don't judge me) as they revisited us this morning. colby's pretty much done throwing up at this point, and now allen's trying his best to keep his taco bueno dinner from joining the party.
allen: (between gags)"it's all over his foot."
me: "and the bedspread. i got it, babe. go...do whatever you need to do."
allen's gone. washing his hands and cleaning himself up. he held it together, by the way.
me: "so i guess he's not going to school today. i still have to go to the grocery store. i'll just do that and then we'll come home." (bad decision, as you will soon hear, er, read about.)
no i'm not a horrible mother that takes her vomiting feverish son out in public with no regard to his 'condition'. he was feeling perfectly fine, no fever. he was pretty snotty before he went to bed last night, so honestly, i thought the drainage had settled in his stomach while he was sleeping and thats what caused the throwing up. i figured he'd be ok now that he'd gotten that out of his system.
he had a little diarrhea shortly after the vomiting incident, but again, i thought it was still just the drainage.
allen left for work, and we loaded up for the grovery store. i drove through starbucks to get us each a drink (milk for them. the hard stuff for me) and then on to wal-mart....
colby: "i have to poop! i have to poop!"
me: "colby, you'll have to hold it love. you can go when we get to the store."
colby: "i have to go now."
i called my grandparents who are between starbucks and wal-mart and asked them if i could bring colby over to use their bathroom. i got the ok, so we made a pit stop at memaw's and papaw's house. more diarrhea.
we get to walmart and the first half of the excursion is mostly uneventful. they each picked out a toy with their birthday money, so thats keeping them more or less occupied as i try to finish up.
colby: "mommy, i pooped a little."
colby: "i pooped in my pants."
me: "just now?"
colby: "yes. it was just an accident."
me: "stand up and let me see."
sure enough, he had 'leaked' just a little. it had soaked through his underwear and shorts, but was, by no means, reason to leave my almost full basket in the middle of the store and go home.
me: "colby, we're almost done. then we'll get you cleaned up and go home."
while i'm checking out, molly poops. great timing. a little runny, but not too bad.
out at the car, before the back was filled with groceries, i changed molly, and stripped colby down to just a t-shirt (naked from the waist down) and wiped him off.
on the way home colby (still naked from the waist down) says,
colby: "mommy, i have to poop again!"
me: "colby, you'll have to hold it, baby. i'm going as fast as i can! please hold on. squeeze your butt cheeks together! (yes i said that. like he even knows what that means. we dont use the word butt, or cheeks in reference to the butt, around them.)
colby: "i can't."
me: "please, colby!!"
allen calls me at that moment and i give him the rundown of what our morning has looked like so far, while at the same time trying to keep my son from having diarrhea in my car.
we get home and i very quickly get out (at this moment it starts sprinkling outside. thats all i need right now) and run around to colbys door. i open it to find him throwing up the chocolate milk he had sucked down about an hour and a half before that.
me: "oh, no!"
molly: "mommy, colby's spittin!"
me: "no. he's throwing up."
i let him finish, then take him out of the car, and take his shirt off of him.
my precious 4 year old is standing in the driveway, completely naked, covered in vomit from the waist down, and in his hair from when i pulled his shirt off.
colby: "mommy, i still have to poop."
me: "just go colby. right there."
so he did. diarrhea. on the driveway. naked.
colby: "it's sliding down my legs!"
at this point i'm at a loss. i have no clue what to do. do i carry him in? he has throw up all over him and poop running down his legs. i love him, but i'm not picking him up like that.
he needs a bath.
so i got the water hose. i sprayed him down where he stood, then sprayed off the driveway and his carseat. it was a little chilly outside, so he wasn't a big fan of my chosen method. i actually had to chase him a bit. i wonder what the nieghbors would have thought had they been looking out their window at that moment. it was probably a bit ridiculous to see.
i wrapped him up in a big fluffy towel, and brought him in to a warm bath.
oh, i had called allen right after he threw up and told him to come home, so he showed up right about the time colby was put in the tub.
he cleaned off the carseat while i unloaded the groceries.
then he took my car up to the wash tub and used his gift certificate to have my car cleaned (sweet husband!). he said the guy was super rude when he told him to pay extra attention to the passenger side, because his son had thrown up. i had cleaned most of it up. it just needed attention to the carpet and the smell in general. they were going to charge him $15 extra just for that! allen had a word with the gentleman, and he did not have to pay the extra charge. :)
back at home, more diarrhea.
and, as i typed this, i had to get up and go help colby, who pooped on the floor while he was standing up to pee....again. (click the link for that story, in case you missed it.)
all this before 1pm.
i wonder what the rest of our day will hold. :)